So going back just a bit, I remember when it was New Year’s Eve and as I said before, our church had a nice habit of “praying in the New Year.” But this year I sat quietly observing the prophecy being shared when suddenly they turned towards me because the Lord actually asked ME a question! I was so nervous, after all God didn’t speak to me like that! And in public!! Dreams in private are one thing but God talking to you publicly, in front of everyone else, to ask you a personal question!—this was something else entirely!
He asked me what I wanted. More than that, he actually said he would give me, whatever I asked him for within the next 24 hours, adding, “Ask wisely.”
That’s sounds crazy, right? But it’s actually in the Bible, “And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” a la Matthew 21:22. But it’s one thing to read it on paper, but when God says it to you in real life it’s another thing altogether. And yes, I believed it 100%!
I just didn’t know what to ask for! But he said I had 24 hours to think it over, right? Someone suggested I sleep on it and tell the Lord the next day. We got to bed by 1 or 2 am that night and I woke up and thought about it for a long time the next day. What should I ask for? Money? Ministry? Health? To be president? Honestly, if God would give you ANYTHING you asked him for, think of the possibilities! I first figured I shouldn’t ask for money, well, maybe I should? So OK, I did. To get all of that out of the way I asked for wealth and success and big money things. But I wasn’t finished yet. I looked at the Pastor’s daughter, who I was already having an emotional tug-of-war with. I had seen her in several visions already as I have shared, so I knew God was already talking to me about her specifically, but I did not ask the Lord to put us together. Stupid! Stupid! Instead I asked the Lord to give me ‘whoever he chose for me.’ I don’t even know why I said it like that! I knew she was the Lord’s choice for me, it’s what I wanted, but still that’s not what I asked for. But even that still wasn’t the big deal.
Then I got inspired.
We had been teaching about preparation and saying that it’s only in the trials of the Lord that we really grow. I was 19 or 20 and I prayed the kind of prayer only a 19- or 20-year-old person really ever prays. I said, “Lord, I want to be used by you in the greatest capacity possible for me, and I know that means I need to be trained and tested and tried to the greatest extent possible that I can withstand, so please put me through hardships to the greatest extent that I can endure … and when I cry out for you to STOP, DON’T LISTEN TO ME! Only stop when I’ve reached the limit of my ability to endure!”
Do you think God answers prayers like that? I now realize it was God who led me to pray it!—and you bet he answered it!
Larry Randolph calls that praying the ‘stupid prayer.’ I don’t think it was stupid, just not very wise. I think it was inspired by the Holy Spirit, but yes, Larry is right too—it’s the kind of prayer you pray in ignorance but with an overabundance of zeal and you have no idea but God intends on answering it in ways you have never anticipated. Zeal is essential, but leave it to Solomon to rain on my New Year’s Day parade by adding, “Zeal without wisdom … is not good!”
Years later God said he actually likes this about me, that I will give myself to something bigger than me. That I will obey, not counting the cost as we should, but putting the obedience above the cost, to obey at whatever the cost. Some people understand this. I know some soldiers and police officers, nurses and some teachers will nod and agree. Missionaries get that too! To everyone else it’s probably reckless and foolish. Anyway, He said He would give me ANYTHING I asked for that day and that is what I prayed for. I want it ALL!
But honestly you don’t need a prophetic word to pray like that. Like I said, it’s in the Bible as plain as day. But for me I did need that prophetic word to make it personal and real and to give me the faith I needed to stand in it and to understand things later as they inevitably played out.
When things really started to go crazy in my life I would be reminded of that prayer. Oh, yeah! I asked for this! So was the crazy run-away gym mats actually God answering my prayer? Losing the pastor’s daughter was my choice? I didn’t really think of that until YEARS later, in fact, just as I was writing that sentence. I asked God to USE ME, prepare me, and to do it to the very limit of my ability to endure. So yes, I guess so!
In fact, God does not need our permission to use us, prepare us, call us or train us, even to put us though extreme hardships … but growth only really happens when we are willing to participate in the testing of the Lord and not rebel against God and the process. Much later God would actually tell me this, that people need to wrestle with Him to work through his training and calling in order to be transformed into the image of his Son. If they aren’t willing to do this, to wrestle with God, then God can’t teach them deeply, and so he really can’t use them mightily, not willingly, willfully, cooperatively in any case. He actually told me that!
What’s more he can surely force people to do anything he wants, but he simply won’t. What’s more again is people like to sing things like, “More of You and None of Me,” but He won’t do that either. First, he doesn’t need slaves—he wants Sons—both male and female ones. Second, he’s not trying to destroy us or obliterate us. He’s not trying to ASSIMILATE me into his collective by erasing my individuality. He is trying to TRANSLATE me into his Kingdom but then to blossom my uniqueness into a perfected state of Me-ness. He’s not making drones or clones. He wants to join us with himself and in doing so to fulfill us. It’s not Him or ME, it’s Him IN Me, he told me—we are becoming joined as One, but he’s not going to erase me.
So back to my prayer, I now had actually ASKED him to let things go wrong if it would help me grow—how wrong were things going to go? How soon? I didn’t have a clue, or very long to have to wait to find out. Almost immediately everything I valued was in chaos.
Troubles in our lives can drive us closer to the Lord, but they also may tend to drive us away. I mean at first when we have hardships most people blame God, accuse him and we fight God over the trials, until we learn that it doesn’t really work. Go figure! At some point we realize, “Oh, I get it! He’s God, and I’m not,” or as I first prophesied from Ezekiel, “You are Man and NOT God,” and he can hold his breath and wait out a tantrum a lot longer than we can have it! And at some point (I hope) we just stop fighting God over the problems and just fall into his arms instead and cry—clinging to Him to get us out through the trials instead of being angry at him that the trials exist.
Until such a moment arrives trials drive a wedge between us and God, but at this moment trials instead drive us closer towards him. Did you learn that yet? I wish someone had given me that advice when I was 21, but really if they had, would I have even listened to them? Are you listening to me right now?
So moving right along, I want to give honor and credit to a few other ministers who I met at this early time who helped to teach me about prophecy as well. Three stand out who I want to mention.
But first, the Irish.
Jeanny mackers! It’s the Oyrish!
They came to America on a mission and I met them at the airport in Boston—even that was miraculous—and I drove them all the way back to the pastor’s house. Their accent and speech were very unique, even though Boston is half Irish they were still a genuine novelty. A small team, I think this trip it was just three of them. They set up their instruments, Nick played my guitar, Fiona played the keyboard, and Paul the leader sang softly. It was just traditional hymns like O, Lord My God, and Jesus, Name Above All Names, old songs like that. No drums, just soothing music—today we have a name for that, you may call it soaking music, but before we had no idea what to call music like that. It wasn’t worship music, it wasn’t praise music; it was spiritual, heavenly, soothing but not sleepy or boring!
But the real thing was as soon as they started playing—the power of God manifested and people started to fall over healed! They hadn’t even prayed for anyone yet! BAM! Another one just fell over!—Then I got healed!
I brought my mom to one of their outreaches at our church in the cornfield and I was so excited for her to get saved when WHAM!—the Spirit of God hit ME! and I began weeping and weeping uncontrollably! My mom comforted me, “It’s all right Eddie. It’s all going to be OK!” I didn’t even know why I was crying. But God was healing my broken heart. I wanted God to touch my mom!
In their ministry there was not just an anointing, it was the atmosphere of Jesus’ miracles. Paul would then preach usually the same message on Isaiah 53, and then invite people to come for prayer for healing and everyone would get knocked down by the power of God. People had angelic visions, visions of heaven and when Elizabeth came to one of their meetings she was shocked at the way they played their music. It sounded like the music she had heard in heaven. She had heard heavenly music one time and somehow the Irish team knew how to reproduce it here on earth.
Today we would call their ministry Power Evangelism, but even that’s not why I am talking about them.
It’s because Paul was in constant, open, two-way conversation with the Lord. All the team were actually, but Paul was the leader and talking to him was difficult because he would be having a conversation with you, but also with the Holy Spirit at the same time, who I could not hear but who was always commenting on what we were talking about. And so Paul would reply and comment on things either I or the Lord said, interchangeably, and since I couldn’t hear what the Holy Spirit was saying I was always confused trying to understand what Paul was talking about or to whom he was replying!
Then one time Paul wanted to drive a car since he hadn’t driven for a few months and I let him drive my car and he said, “Look! Look!” and the gas gauge started to go up, up, up to almost 3/4 of a full tank. I had a few dollars for gas, but I guess he didn’t need it. God gave him free gas. He was always talking to angels and commanding them to go here or there to prepare a venue for a meeting, or help a person with a problem or whatever.
He told me one time he was just chatting with the Lord driving in his little car down the highway in Ireland when the Lord casually said, “Pull over.” Obedient and willing he did it as he asked, “OK, why?” and just the next second a big lorry, a 10 or 12-wheeler delivery truck came barreling down the highway on the WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD and it would have smashed his tiny car to bits. Heaven is a wonderful place, but please not today! God saved him by simply asking him kindly to pull over. What would YOU have done? Started an hours-long argument about your schedule, being late, why was God always interrupting your progress, bossing you around?! Etc., etc., etc.? People actually treat God this way! So the lesson to me was ‘Be willing and obedient and you will eat the fat of the land and not be killed by on-coming traffic!’
The next year when they visited again they brought more people who were just helping with luggage and things but when he left to go back to Ireland, some the staff stayed behind and even they began to function in hearing God speak openly and tell them any secret about any person they asked about. One shared some good things for me but it was a little unnerving. I trusted Paul not to talk to people about me, but the other people in the group were younger and less stable, or less mature I suppose and it made me nervous. God was telling them my secrets!
It was not like prophecy in a service that God seemed to direct or orchestrate; it was on demand and they could ask God anything they wanted to and he would usually just tell them the answer!!
This idea of being able to hear the Holy Spirit in conversation in your own heart anytime you want to hear him talk to you is … what is it? It’s amazing. It’s scary. It’s wonderful! It’s what we now call enjoying spiritual communion, or koinonia in Greek, but the Lord just calls it having fellowship with him. Interactive spiritual fellowship with the indwelling Holy Spirit. More than just prophecy it’s simply out of this world!
We asked Paul to teach us how to do that, but he couldn’t. Their lifestyle was very devoted. They fasted every other day for going on ten years already. And at the drop of a hat, for any number of reasons the whole team would fast for three days, or a week, or ten days. They began to hear God speak to them in their hearts and were unable to teach me any more than that. Fast, a lot, and after many years go by maybe you could hear God like that as well.
Many years did go by and yes, we discovered this great blessing on our own and began to teach people that yes, everyone can hear God’s voice. You don’t need a special gift or a prophetic calling to hear God’s voice. You just need to quiet yourself down and listen. The anointing that abides in you will teach you all things. That’s what the Lord told us then—and it works! And so many people are discovering this now! And it truly is just so wonderful.
More, much more on this later.
Sharing a Mantle
I also just want to add that my friend Dan, who I mentioned a few times and whose sister the Lord asked me to consider courting, well, he lived in a suburb of Manchester, about an hour away and they were connected to some of the bigger events and churches in a way that we were not. One time there was a minister visiting from out of state who was going to host a seminar in the city on prophecy and I went with Dan, but I think no one else from our church went.
The auditorium was so huge I think it probably held about 2,000 people that night. I think we came late and I don’t remember any of the music or teaching but what I remember has stayed with me to this day. The minister said he didn’t have time to prophesy over everyone in the meeting, so he would instead spread his prophetic mantle over the whole audience, and if we would get into groups of two or three and pray for each other we would be able to operate under his anointing and prophesy to each other as well even if we had never done that before.
Wow! Can you really do that? Well he did! How did the 12 apostles do miracles before any of them were baptized in the Holy Spirit? Remember only Jesus had the Holy Spirit baptism until Pentecost. How then did they do miracles before then? It was obviously under Jesus’ covering mantle. This minister had that idea too and so I paired up with a stranger who was older than me by maybe ten years and we prayed for each other and I looked intently at the blackness of my closed eyes and saw … nothing. Then suddenly I saw a white flash. That was it. But it was one of the first times I just asked God to give me a vision, and he did, even though it was meaningless to me. I told the man, “Sorry, I saw nothing until a bright flash.” “OK, OK,” he said, “I get it, thank you.” It was the same as a word he had before and confirmed that he would be rewarded for pressing into the Lord even though there would be nothing to see for a long time until … BING! The lights would suddenly come on in a blinding flash. Something like that. I’m glad it meant something to him! It didn’t to me!
But then he went and he said he had a few visions before and yes when he prayed for me he saw a very clear picture. It was darkness oppressing the light, but the light would not go out but it would be pressed down and squished into a very small place under it’s weight trying to put it out but the light would just continue going on like that, just going on for a long time—the light not going out but being under the weight of the darkness pressing down onto it for a very long time until … suddenly everything turned GOLDEN.
I later had a similar dream myself to explain the same thing. I saw a dream like a vision of just darkness at night, but I was awake and aware and watching and then I started to see faint shapes in the darkness begin to form: dawn was breaking! I kept watching and saw the shapes get more clear and it was the horizon at sea and the outlines of stones in the sand—it was a scene of dawn breaking at the seashore! The light slowly got stronger and yes, I could see the waters and the rocks in the sand by now and they were smoothed and rounded and cast shadows in the growing yellow light, which kept increasing until, oh! Wow! The rocks didn’t just look golden-yellow in the morning light of dawn—THEY WERE ALL SOLID GOLD! It was ALL GOLD—all these black stones by the seashore I was tripping over in the darkness—when dawn came it showed all these worthless rocks and annoying obstacles were actually all gold!! [End]
God does not always confirm every word with a second word or a vision, there may not be time or sometimes it’s already perfectly clear, or you get a verse, etc., but this unfolded over many years and yes, God had the time and the reason to confirm it to me, and I really needed the extra confirmation. So I always remember how I got that first word in Manchester and also about sharing someone else’s mantle.
So God was probably telling me there would be hardship until a breakthrough I guess. I began to hope it would not be as long as three months to wait! How could I endure three months of hardships! Then after six months I was shocked and I sure hope it’s not six more months! How can I endure so much hardship! After two years … then three, yikes! It surely must be over soon. But then five, ten, fifteen … I kept looking back and thinking if I had known it was going to take this long I probably would have quit a long time ago! … I had no idea that it would take 20-plus years to BEGIN to see things start to change—at over 30 years things were now only starting to break open—I’m glad I didn’t know it would take that long when I started or honestly I would have surely fallen into real despair. I think it was David who said it was the Lord’s vision that led him on and kept him from quitting when it was really hard. We also need a vision from God to lead us through the hard times. It may just be a Scripture he burns into your heart you seize with unshakable faith, but he speaks so much it’s probably going to be a personal prophecy, maybe more than one.
So yes, that meeting in Manchester stayed in my mind a long time but for other reasons as well. It was the first time I was allowed to just seek the Lord for a word and give it. I was actually encouraged to function freely in prophecy in a way that I didn’t really feel free to normally. Maybe I can’t really say that since I was never TOLD NOT TO PROPHESY, and maybe my reluctance was mostly my own shyness. But there was still a feeling that I was not really invited to grow into the role of a prophet in our church community even though it was maybe largely unspoken. But I was already hearing God speak so much, what more was I waiting for to happen? Just start to share! Maybe it was six of one and half a dozen of the other, but I now understand this need is real and so I’ve learned to try to encourage people to grow and step out and practice to operate in spiritual gifts and want to do whatever I can to help draw them out of their own shyness in a way that I was not encouraged to myself. If something is manifesting from the Holy Spirit, I’ll be the first to acknowledge it—but not to over-do it, I want to see real, meaningful manifestations; I’m not going to throw a party when people get their first vague impression, but nevertheless coaching and training people to operate and grow in the spiritual gifts is much more fun than oppressing and discouraging them or causing them not to.
God does turn all things around for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose, so you really can’t count anyone out unless they themselves refuse to keep walking with the Lord and believing. Yes, God is very good at turning all things around. Amen!
Vaughn Gerald: Arizona?
And so should I also mention Vaughn Gerald? He was a British man now living in up-state New York and had an ability to prophesy for an hour or two non-stop if you let him. He would get into a ‘flow’ we called it—we needed a word for it, so we said he would ‘flow’ for as long as you cared to let him speak. He visited us a few times, maybe twice when I was there, and this one time he prayed for me and said he saw me in a desert.
Later I was restless and wondered if I needed to get out of New Hampshire for a while, you know, see the world. For some fool reason I decided I needed to go to Arizona. I had some distant relatives there but also maybe it was the exact opposite of where I lived in every way. I began making plans, looking for direction and purpose in my life—looking for an excuse to run away was maybe more like it, but Vaughn had prophesied it so I went up to him after to clarify. “You saw me in a desert?” I asked. He looked funny, he was probably trying to remember what he prophesied since he was praying for a lot of people for a long time and probably wasn’t listening to everything he was saying for so many people—I wouldn’t have!—or I hope he was tapping back into the Spirit to replay the word he gave me? But anyway he finally shook his head slowly and said mystically, “Yes, a desert.”
Good he remembered! So I pressed in, “You mean a desert … like … Arizona?”
“Hmmm … yes, like Arizona.”
Oh good! That’s all the confirmation I needed! I was moving to Arizona!! Let’s go! Woo hoo! How soon can I leave!
But since that time I’ve traveled the world and been to a dozen or more countries, worked in China, been to India, I’ve lived in both Hong Kong and the Philippines, I love South Africa, and Australia, but parts of Europe are also so good and nice … but to this day I have never ever set foot in Arizona!
I later recognized immature believers always lean towards physical, literal and immediate interpretations of prophecy. It’s not always so!
So no, I never went to Arizona. But what did happen was within a few months, maybe a year after this word I was left out in the cold without a church or any real Christian fellowship and all the things that once supplied God’s living water to me were cut off and now I was isolated, spiritually dry, emotionally desolate—my life was a meaningless, purposeless landscape, almost like a being in a … BINGO!—desert.
I then realized God was not telling me to move to a desert, but that my spiritual environment would soon drastically change to resemble one. I’m glad I didn’t pack up my stuff and move!
But anyway let me finally get right to the real turning point in this season, and talk about Erskine and David.
A Catalyst for Change
I was growing up, I was 21 and no longer wanted to be treated like a child—I certainly wasn’t one! But if I was not a child there was no safe place for me to remain in their fellowship under their wing anymore. I had no real personal identity, no stable position and I had repressed myself such a long time to remain in an immature role but it was harder and harder to continue to do that and really I just wanted to be myself and be treated like an equal, like an adult, which I was.
So there was another traveling minister I met who had been all over the world and planted hundreds and hundreds of churches. He visited once before and God revealed the importance of having a kind of rite of passage for young people to help them know they are included and accepted as members of the adult community. The Lord said however that it was not a big deal so I didn’t talk about that here, but I had met this famous and very humble minister previously, Erskine Holt.
On his second visit he brought a younger man with him, David Bramble, who he was training to take over his itinerant ministry when he soon retired. Now their third visit but this time David came alone walking in the ministry of his predecessor.
I, by this time, had been with this church for three years. I knew God was speaking to me, I knew I was prophesying, and I needed to find my own position and yes, my life companion. The pressure was building and it was time for things to change.
So David visited our church that Sunday but also had small meetings in other places in other towns. I went to see him at one of those other house meetings in the afternoon and he simply encouraged all the people to share whatever God had given them to contribute since God speaks to all his children and everyone has something to contribute. I played a worship song I had written myself and never shared with anyone, not even anyone in our own church! Then other people shared impressions from the Lord, prophetic words, etc.—he was encouraging us to step out!
Then he shared a revelation that God was leading us deeper into worship than just singing songs. He said God wanted to get us past the music and just worship him in silence in the Spirit directly, to meet him beyond the confines of our music, especially in the silence between songs.
I went back to our church for Sunday evening service and the friction and frustration was coming to a head. We had our normal Sunday evening service at the pastor’s house but like it was scripted by God the worship moved into something we had never experienced before—between songs there were long pauses where the Spirit of God just flowed in such a personal and intimate anointing that we could worship God in the silences between songs and no one dared play any music. Wow! That’s exactly what David said God wanted to lead us into! And here it was already happening!! Amazing!
One lady however later said how uncomfortable it made her feel to have ‘that awful silence.’ What? Did she not sense God’s deeply penetrating presence? I think maybe she needed to open her heart up a little and let the sunshine in! But to me this was a breath of fresh air and the Spirit of God was openly flowing so freely! But maybe some people were not ready for that deeper level of intimacy yet?
But then I prophesied.
I shared what I knew the Spirit was telling us, what He was telling me in my deep heart. I felt it, I knew it, so I just shared it. It was a confirmation of what the visiting minister was sharing so it was not entirely a new idea but I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me this was indeed his message to us here, now. AND we had also just experienced it—being drawn to worship God in silence even beyond our music—so it was not really going very far out on a limb to say this! So it was quite safe. And so I calmly said it, that God wants to lead us deeper into worship, beyond words and songs even into the silence between songs.
There! Done! I did it!
I heard God and I shared what he said and the world didn’t collapse! That would happen about 45 minutes later!
After the service I was taken into the nearby kitchen and harshly rebuked!
First Sarah started to vent all her frustrations against me mostly about me wanting to date her youngest daughter but it covered several unrelated topics. But as she began to accuse and insult me I felt a giant SHIELD cover my body—I could see it! The Lord was being a SHIELD to me! It was bigger than my body, bluish but translucent—it or rather HE was protecting me and her words didn’t hurt! I could hear them and understood what she was saying but I could sense the presence of God’s protection stronger than her words could sting.
So yes, a big problem she mentioned, probably the biggest problem underlying everything, was my feelings towards her daughter which she so greatly resented to the point of characterizing it as being grossly immoral, sinful and evil. Because obviously it was OK if I married an older women ten or fifteen years my senior, which they suggested I seriously consider. Ivy was widowed three years ago and still single and I was 21 and she was over 40 and that would be OK, righteous even, despite having nothing in common with Ivy personally, nothing more than feelings you’d have towards an aunt maybe, certainly no ‘chemistry’ or even curiosity or anything like that at all! Why this match would be mentioned, not in jest, was baffling. But they said you never know, it’s the End Times, anything could happen! This seemed to be the kind of correct thinking on dating for me. Anything could happen! But if I wanted to marry someone closer to my age, someone I’ve been close to for several years, well that’s not just inappropriate—it’s evil! Just don’t mention that anything could happen since it’s the End Times because this was just NEVER going to happen.
And because I was being covered by a spiritual shield I could see the absurd nature of these accusations and not get emotionally muddled. If I didn’t have that shield covering me I would certainly have had to process what she was saying and defend myself, and that would have been a mess—a bigger mess I mean—but as it was I saw things very clearly, objectively, dispassionately … I just wish I had more wisdom later to stay behind that protection or know how to act on these things and maintain that control over my emotions as it continued to play out. Oh well.
She had several other colorful things to say about me that the Lord does not want me to repeat even now.
And then finally she said that when I was prophesying that day that it was not from God, but from the flesh!
OK, you don’t like me, you don’t want me to be your son-in-law, I get it—but how does that make me a false prophet?!
At that I spoke up and defended myself and I repeated what I prophesied which was that God was leading us into deeper worship! How can that ever be wrong? And we had just experienced exactly what I said God was leading us into! It’s plainly just happened. Patrick just stood by silently, looking back and forth between her and me just watching all this unfold until I turned to him to ask him pointedly, “Well, what do you think about what I said God is saying, that God is leading us into deeper worship.”
Patrick looked back and forth between us again and then said, “I think it was from the Pit of Hell.”
Doctrines vs Attitudes
I’d like to stop and calm down and maybe give an overview of our doctrines on prophecy right now … but God told me he didn’t ask me to do all that. I felt again it’s a good way to take a break, have an intermission, get some popcorn, you know: clear my head, let me catch my breath, dry my eyes … but he said again he didn’t ask me to do that.
For me to remain in good standing in that fellowship I felt I needed to consciously suppress most of the prophetic gifting I was already walking in, and deny I had the very gift that we openly prayed every one of us and me specifically would receive! That’s wrong, right? We prayed several times to impart the gift of prophecy to me and several of the youth, not acknowledging that several of us were already functioning in the gift we were still asking God for an impartation of. So it turns out we didn’t need another impartation. We already had it. What we needed was just acceptance, guidance, encouragement and leadership that would allow us to grow up into adult members of the fellowship and walk in what we had been asking God for. Is that really so hard? Evidently so!
What we figured was the most complicated part of prophecy, the supernatural part, was already accomplished! Several of the Gifts of the Spirit mentioned in the Bible in fact were already obviously functioning in me and in others—the problem was more that we as a church were operating in the heart of Man—control, jealously, insecurity, maybe even ignorance—but the flesh was largely in charge of how the Spirit was manifesting, and that ended up ruining most of the progress we were making in the Spirit, and what I later came to understand is the Kingdom. Newer doctrines would not save us, more gifting, more prophetic experiences … no, the only thing that would have helped would have been to repent from walking in the ways of Man and the Flesh, but we didn’t even know we were doing such a thing!
So I won’t discuss our doctrines but it shows me that we must become more aware of how our doctrines and beliefs are affected by our personality, biases and mindsets—our attitudes are behind very much of our beliefs, actions and leadership choices. If we are broken inside, how can we have right teaching?
This is therefore why inner healing and curse breaking which bring healing and freedom to a soul affect people’s doctrines much more than study, memorization and even indoctrination. Jesus came to set the captives free, not give them a theology degree, but the inner healing of their hearts and the Freedom knowing the Spirit intimately is itself what leads to being able to embrace correct doctrines and right theology! There’s so much I want to say on this!
I Only Teach the Word of God!—Are You Sure?
And sometimes you hear people justify their beliefs and say ‘Well, everything I teach is only the word of God,’ implying everything they say is right and true because they have a verse to back it up but Jesus told me no, this is not so. There are in fact so many verses in the Bible that a person can ALWAYS find a verse to back up any opinion they have. Jesus actually told us this. Citing a verse after making an opinion does not mean you have the correct understanding of God’s word.
‘It’s just the Word of God!’ they insist, but no, people still only teach THEIR VERSION of the word of God: the one they understand, the one they agree with, the one that aligns with their attitudes and biases.
The Flesh is still affecting our teaching and understanding of the Bible. The best way I found to be free from the flesh within us affecting our doctrines is to be consciously, openly, objectively and intelligently taught from the Holy Spirit and learn from him what HE says and thinks is so. It is not enough to have a vague ‘feeling’ or mere ‘leading’—no, this will not suffice. People need to be taught by God: openly, consciously, intelligently. We also can do this if we have had our human heart replaced by ‘the Heart of Christ,’ our minds by ‘the Mind of Christ,’ but that is even more supernatural than just being taught by God in Spirit, but either way we can overcome the corruption of the Flesh by walking in the Spirit, not only because we throw a verse behind our opinions.
Just Remember, These Were Good People
And not discussing the doctrines we had at this time also frees me from having to discuss any more errors we taught that I now see. This frees me from having to discuss any more flaws in the teachers as well. Patrick was largely a loner, not highly educated, a woodsman at heart. He preferred isolation and independence, hunting, fishing and maybe some of this reclusive mindset came from the falling-out he had with those educated urban hypocrites? He knew the sin God was revealing about their leader was a cancer in the Church; the elders attacked the messenger and maybe he never had healed from that wound himself? But a Newfoundland native living in rural New Hampshire? We are independent, self reliant, resilient. I wish we were less so sometimes because it affects how we submit to God, rely on God and allow God to guide and mold us—but that’s the way they come! That’s the way I was and still am sometimes!
I say this because I think this attitude of isolation and independence surely affected the development of our own doctrines in some way and I don’t want to rake Patrick over the coals for his flaws, any more than I have to rake myself over the coals for mine. So thankfully if I don’t have to dissect his views I don’t need to expose his weaknesses any more than I already have.
For all the faults we could discuss I tell people openly to also remember that he took me in to his home when I was a new Christian, treated me as a son, freely imparting to me what he had to impart, whatever I could absorb. Even the friction I had with his wife was also not unexpected. Her alcoholic father just gave her some red lines I certainly didn’t know about beforehand and that I probably crossed, again and again maybe? I don’t know. I wanted to court her daughter and we did have a special friendship—God even told me that was his Plan A for my life, our lives. But we can’t always follow God’s Plan A, can we? Thank God he is a God of second chances; he has a Plan B, and a Plan C … and certainly if we need one a Plan D, E, F, and G … He turns all things around—meaning sometimes things get knocked round backwards! Our failures didn’t catch him by surprise and no, He didn’t cause us to fail either, but he knew we were going to, even before we were born! He saw it all coming even if we didn’t—but not to worry, he has a beautiful way out! He kept saying this. And the Word says He will turn all things around for good and so it will all work out in the end. Just trust him!
Castaway Without a Sail
But at that time the falling out was particularly harsh on me and derailed my walk with the Lord for many years to come, but I am not blameless in this regard either. God warned me NOT to take offense at what was coming. He showed this to me in the vision of the Trapeze Dream, Barns on a Hillside and other words. When it all come to a head He protected me with a shield of the Spirit when they were insulting me and calling me ‘straight out of the pit of hell’ for sharing a prophecy that God was drawing us into deeper worship.
Yes, it was more than that. They were dealing with their own unhealed wounds and unresolved issues, and classic mother-in-law issues. And no, I would never have been happy living in a cornfield forever. God’s plan for me was global, international, I already knew that even if during this time I kept it under wraps to try to fit in.
Maybe they were just happy with where they were and not ready for a new generation or new wave of revelation to bring disruption that New Wine unfortunately always brings? Patrick often talked about ‘the plateau’ people reach when they cease being teachable—I guess he should have taken his own advice. But I cannot fault him for any of this—I was the one who asked for this on New Year’s Day, didn’t I? Ooops!
And without our fellowship being better integrated to the larger Body there was simply no way for us to be challenged by other churches’ successes and breakthroughs. So likewise there was no, or at least very, very little growth in our small pocket of the Body in the cornfield. And without allowing the youth to grow up and integrate into the leadership, to find a meaningful role in the community, there is no fresh vision, no building of generational blessings, no new vigor to challenge old ideas and so again no real growth.
Lots to learn in hindsight—hindsight is not 20/20 either, he later told me. We still only see in the past what we want to see, Jesus said. Only through Him can we see truly, be healed enough to face the facts and with him find the strength to learn from the past and correct the wrong course we are sometimes on.
